Humpty Dumpty

As I look within my sometimes chaotic inner world
faces seem to float to the surface presenting themselves.
One appears with a look of contempt,
another follows and says I am anger,
then yet another visage announces I seek love,
and so it goes a long procession of inner selves,
arrogance,
pride,
humility,
love and yes hate,
saying deal with me or the world will end.

Like children saying give to me now,
only this need or want important,
all others can wait.

It wearies me at times
yet I often feel compassion for these inner selves
fragmented aspects of who I am,
for I at times feel that way
as if I am merely bits and pieces
scattered over the cosmos
unable to piece myself back together again;
Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall.

Yet who or what is it that observes all of this
seeking understanding?

Who is it that sees the many faces or selves surfacing,
indeed who are the ‘selves' that appear and then sink?

What is it that knows of fragmentation seeking wholeness,
and again,
when this observer is quiet
who is it that observes that silence?

Ever expanding watchers it seems resides within as well
as the floating faces arising from the inner chaos.

Where is God in all of this?
Is separation even possible,
for transcendence and immanence are one,
so if this be true,
am I one?

God is one,
what does that say?

I think I am afraid to say what it means,
for the freedom and love offered too much
for my still fragmented soul.

One day perhaps
I will finally give my ‘fiat' and open that door,
then that fragmented self will end,
cease,
be no more
swallowed up in the one;
life,
expansion eternal.

Invisible

Alone she sat sipping her coffee
people around her laughing and joking,
the waiters and waitress doing their dance
moving around the tables,
some jitter bugging
others doing a waltz,
yet all found the isolated figure invisible;
why did I notice her?

I hate the pity I feel
for people deserve much more than that,
besides how dare I judge her lonely or isolated
was I not also alone in the restaurant
invisible to others.

the heat gone again
trapped in rejections cycle
overwhelmed repetition
ones heart grows afraid

yet love calls us all
some say it is truly grace
others just natures own way
we long for it so

the touch or the look
can a day create or break
no wonder walls are set up
though it is folly

wraith

in the simple lab
as I was bringing samples
I saw her sitting silent
bowed over in pain

her skin milky white
it seemed that death had took her
yet her eyes large and oval
watched me silently

later I saw her
coffee in hand sipping slow
I smiled saying good morning
her eyes large, withdrew.

Soft

The deeper the anger
the expression of rage
and isolation sought,
shows for those who can see and forgive
the deeper the need to be seen,
the softer the core.

The hours are long
nothing seems to fill the space
though tired hard to settle down
"being" difficult.

Pain is everywhere,
we all feel it weight
its oppression,
so when possible
lighten the load from those you meet,
it cost nothing to be kind
to hold back a harsh word;
so yes lighten the balance of the worlds pain.

There are really no strangers,
true each unique
yet our inner worlds more alike than not,
we can all be healers,
well perhaps we already are.

Empathy disallows the luxury of anger,
contempt cannot arise
for we slowly learn to see oursleves in others
all brothers and sisters
on a long dark hard road
so yes brighten the way it is not hard
just think
"how do I wish to be treated".

The journey can be dark

Night sky

It was about two thirty in the morning when I took my walk,
I often do when I know that I can't go back to sleep,
and I so love the dark and the beauty of the night skies
so walks at that time are second nature for me.

Stars above, clear and close, awake in me a home sickness
or perhaps a longing for I know not what,
then again, perhaps am afraid to look too deeply into the matter.

The silhouettes of the bare branches against the night sky
always a great source of beauty for me,
the lines etched on the horizon truly works of art,
better than any man or woman could sketch
always bring me a sense of rightness of balance
allowing my mind to rest in the simple moment.

This morning I saw five shooting stars
something unusual for me
perhaps I was just more attentive
yet I was thankful for the privilege of seeing it
for it is easy to appreciate something rare,
the common place a different question entirely,
for it is common to take for granted beauty always there.

Perhaps it is only children who truly experience joy
simple happiness with existence,
then it is lost as maturity makes it way to the fore,
hopefully to regain it as the years fly by,
yet then the joy would be deeper,
and the delight more lasting,
for with age comes the knowledge of temporality,
when that learned it is life that is rare,
moments only come once,
so nothing taken for granted.

It was rough last night, cleaning William,
he fought more than usual,
threatened in a colder voice
tried to spit and kick,
so I had to be a little more firm with him,;
how I hate doing that
knowing it is not his fault
he is just confused
yet it has to be done
though at times it seems overwhelming.

After wards I feel terrible
though I know I have done nothing wrong,
it is just the pain and confusion he goes through
that gets to me.

Luckily he does not remember after it is over
but I do.

Manageable

Sometimes hell is really other people,
perhaps I am also a hell for those around me,
since I know that some would rather I be different,
more easily managed
just as I sometimes wish it of others,
manageable,
none of us are,
something I have not learned,
and I suffer for it at times,
wishing that others would do what I cannot
simply change,
so that my universe would be quieter

Bitter fruit

I often react strongly when I perceive I am put into a box,
even if it fits I don't like it much
and will become angry at its injustice,
not always knowing what I should do about it.

Perhaps it fits,
that is what I fight,
or is it an injustice towards me,
if so,
am I learning not to do it with others?

I am a very slow learner,
so hopefully I can spare other this indignity
if I can simply learn a simple lesson
to treat others as I would want to be treated,
and yes to be merciful towards those
who do it to me.

If not,
I will be the one,
who will reap bitter fruit.

I do need others

Life as a way of leading me
often down roads I would rather not go,
others I know often the catalyst for new directions
or perhaps insights gleaned,
though I would often rather not go there.

A word said in jest
or perhaps a look or gesture,
will often set me looking for the ‘why' of it,
which leads to possible change
or perhaps a deeper understanding
of maybe myself
or of the one before me.

Discomfort comes with this often times,
something I would rather forestall or ignore,
yet if I did that
I suppose something even more uncomfortable would follow,
for not to listen is a form of death
slowly isolating and making life hard indeed.

Yes I do need others,
their laughter,
tears,
anger at times also,
it is the spice that makes life palatable.

The hardest task of all

I often wonder why I am at times
even though I know it is wrong;
yet I persist like someone picking a wound,
over and over again
in being unfair in my attitude towards others.

Self righteousness really at its root,
when they commit the same faults
or sins that I do,
more willing to look at them
than at myself.

Excuses for me,
condemnation for them,
the log in my eye
hidden by the splinter in theirs.

 Perhaps it is a form of self contempt
thinking others better,
freer than me;
better able to change
they just don't want to
therefore making my life uneasy.

So I switch it around
pretending for a time,
a lie of course,
that I am better,
using them to take the focus off myself,
a poor escape,
for how can one run from the reflection
thrown back?

Until the lesson learned
and the grace received
I will continue to ride this merry go round
for mercy will not allow me off
until love comes to fruition not only for others
but for myself,
the hardest task of all.

Laughter

I pretty much find humor everywhere, people, events, politics, faith;
all have their humorous side for there is much that can be laughed about,
not in cruelty, though humor can be used for that, or in mockery.
Yet for the most part, I believe humor has at its root in compassion,
for we tease, joke, and laugh together about our foibles, a humility of sorts,
being able to laugh at ourselves.

Carl Jung once said: "a person without a sense of humor should not be trusted,"
or something like that, for to be able to laugh with others, about oneself,
has to flow from a certain amount of self knowledge and self acceptance,
sadly lacking in those who cannot join in. There is a brittleness about them,
you have to be very careful what you say, or after saying something funny,
the will respond "what do you mean by that?" thereby making humor useless.

Laughter is truly a great gift, not something to be underrated, for we joke,
laugh with and at times tease those we care for and love. A person can say,
"Yes I am like that aren't I, and laugh loudly and long", each in the spotlight for a time,
an honor to be treated that way; if indeed humor is based on acceptance, compassion
and love.

We see ourselves in others, so it is better to be able to laugh than to scorn,
to become playful than to mourn, about what is actually quite funny if truth be told.
Comedians deal with the human condition, making a safe place where laughter,
yes about ourselves can flow, with strangers all looking to the stage, laughing
with tears running down their faces at just what we can all do. Sometimes looking
over at those around them to feel the kinship that comes with the relief of being able
to say, "Yes, we are like that", but with a joyfulness and yes compassion.

Reach back

At times in all our lives
for reasons perhaps not known,
someone will approach us
afraid,
vulnerable,
their guard let down
perhaps for the first time,
or after many tries but courage lacking,
reaches out seeking something,
when that happens,
reach back
for in allowing ourselves to be loved
and simply being present
we become healers.

We all reach out at times
perhaps not knowing the reason
yet we approach others for friendship
or perhaps just for their company
and when they reach back
we to are healed.

The effect we have on others is hidden,
words have power greater than we know,
the smallest actions
their effect could last for a lifetime
so unknowingly we are all Christ to one another.

So develop compassion and empathy
for those in your life;
Allow clichés to drop,
let boxes to be opened,
see,
look,
and listen to the one before you
see yourself,
also see Christ.

Well the cold has finally arrived, at least it is cold for Georgia,
in other parts it would be just mild, yet 30 degrees is nippy,
and I love it, the cold, I can breathe in it, and feel lots of energy,
my mood is often elevated in the clean crisp air filling my lungs.

We even had a bit of fall this year, another plus, and a surprise,
we are after all in a severe drought, the worst in a hundred years;
some leaves turned red, and some a golden orange color,
rare so very much appreciated and admired, yet most trees just brown.

Our Ginkgo's did not have their golden leaves, something I always love,
nor did the leaves fall quickly as they do in most years, many just dead,
stuck to the limbs, not going anywhere, until a big blast carries them away.

I will enjoy the winter months, mild, some freezing, hopefully no snow,
prefer the rain any day, the gently falling of drops, or the pounding,
dark clouds, love it all, so Georgia is a good place for me to live.

Well I am 59 today,
birthdays don't bother me
though I have never really celebrated them.

My friends like to at times and I go along,
for it is done out of love,
who can find anything wrong with that?

In some way I like the march of years,
so fast,
45, 51, 53 then behold 59,
getting old does not bother me
for I am different now than when I was 30,
I could not fit into the life of my self at that time,
at 70 will I look back and say the same for me now?
Perhaps, hopefully that will be so.

I know so little
and as the years go by
what I am ignorant of grows
until now I am content with trusting,
and as my faith struggles,
deepens,
broadens,
I am at peace with not knowing.

Yet the mystery draws near in grace,
I feel an inner melting,
a oneness that is pure gift from the beloved,
to me a wandering confused man
who even now does not know his right hand from his left,
who is still very much an immature child,
merely playing,
failing,
and starting again,
yet for the divine there is no beginning or end,
I have always been,
and will always be,
hopefully I will be in the eternal's love,
that we Christians know as Jesus
who reveals the love of the Father to us all.

One God,
one body,
where Christ is found in the least,
we are called to that to love all as Christ does,
to not judge
since I can't really judge myself,
well perhaps,
but only on the most superficial level.

For God we are all transparent.

So the years pass,
and I draw closer to the veil being lifted,
for the dark door to open
which I will enter,
if I will it or not.

Taken away

Letting go gives us no choice
life has a way of doing that,
as the years pile up
and the corner we are back into lessens,
getting tighter and tighter,
our ability to turn and move gone,
until our independence is taken away......
how we accept it is the only freedom we have,
the rest,
you live long enough and it will happen,
so prepare,
deepen the inner life,
relate to the eternal.

Emilio, is Cuban gentleman, in his younger days a teacher, and a philosopher, at least he is to me. He has a way of dealing with life that I respect and admire. He is organized to a fault, but not overly rigid, listens to his doctors and benefits from his not needing to constantly fight authority, which has helped him a great deal now that he is old. He is easy to talk to, listens, and observes, with a very good sense of humor about life. He shows grace and patience, in how his life is slowly becoming more circumspect and adapts cheerfully, and yes he is a man of great faith. Just by watching him, I have leaned how to approach life with the desire not only to understand, but also to adapt as my own years quickly pass by.

People fear old age, yet it is just another process that needs to be passed though, like being a child, an adolescent, middle age and then, yes, what many fear; old age. Working with the elderly has taught me that while it is true it can be very difficult, yet many pass though with great grace and aplomb, with joy and fellowship thrown in.

Thank you

Philip's good days now outnumber the bad,
he is mostly mellow, smiling at everyone
calling each by different names throughout the day,
at times he even gets the names right,
though most of the time we carry some image of his past,
people that he loved now gone, yet for him they are still there.

At night his room is full, family members come in and visit,
perhaps it is a party, yet only he can see them.
Having animated conversations, laughing, pointing,
at times introducing some other invisible to another one,
once in awhile he draws me into the happy times,
wishing to share his family with me.

So I bow to the room, say hi, shake hands and smile,
asking his family how they are doing,
though I get no response.
However sometimes his room does feel full,
charged,
presences that perhaps are there, waiting,
for it is easy to see that he was loved.

He sleeps more now, and yes like us all he has his days,
yet even then his gentleness comes though,
and after the storm he smiles, as if he knows,
that we know, and all is forgiven, which it is:
really nothing to forgive.

Philip, long have you been with us, for you seem in no hurry,
you are welcome for as long as you wish to stay,
your calm smile and compassion that flows from your eyes
still has the power to heal and soothe,
well for me they do, and for that I am thankful.

Your gift is simply allowing us to serve you,
to be able to express our love and concern,
and the need to simply care,
for in caring we are drawn outside of ourselves,
perhaps that is when we draw near to God,
where happiness lies.

Yes your life has meaning,
each stage has its grace,
it teachings,
and you have taught me much.

Thank you