Gifts


I guess my gifts and also my compulsions are intimately connected, like two sides of a coin, for one to exist, the other also has to also be there. These two sides come into existence, or perhaps a better word, were birthed, from my interaction with past experiences, and sometimes with one really important event, that caused a process to begin that is still flowing to this day. There seems, at least for me, the one happening or experience, from which my clouded interpretations of latter experiences are based on. There are a few that I can pinpoint to, others a little vaguer.

I am a caregiver. I suppose being the 3^rd oldest of 11 brothers and sisters has something to do with it. You just get used to caring for others, so it is common in my family, a lot of caregivers in it. Robert the 2^nd oldest in his own way is a caregiver. Even when young he was into giving to the community in ways that I would never be attracted to. Now he is a priest in the Episcopal Church, ordained just last year, and seems very happy and competent in his calling. Sissy works with the elderly, Jane is a therapist for those in recovery, John is active in his ministry in helping others, and Judy is very empathic towards the needs of people in her life, especially those in the family. Craig is very generous in giving time and money for others in need, even if it hurts himself along finical lines. So yes care giving is part of our family. Both the giftedness and the underlying compulsion equally part of the equation.

I often take up for others and as I get older, am able to see more often and clearly, when I am going over the top in doing so. I think that points to me trying to protect others from what I have experienced in the past, or interrupted perhaps the better word, and perhaps wrongly. I can be unfair to those in authority over me and am trying to find some ways to either offset that reaction, or to at least tone it down a bit. The compulsive side of care giving can be destructive when it is not freely acted upon, but one feels compelled to do so. A kind of desperation comes into play, a savior complex, if I don't do this the others world will fall apart and it will be my fault. So yes it is a transference, the bringing up something from the long buried past that is feeding into the present. Compulsions can take the person experiencing them from the present and drag everyone involved into their trying to right some past injustice, hurt, or abuse. Each becomes a character in a play created by the unconscious, to be played over and over again until some insight can be had. The best way for me is to simply catch myself doing it and trying to tone it down. Which of course is easier said than done. For there is some truth in trying to help others, just keep it in the present with boundaries intact. Helping someone is not the same as taking responsibility for their lives and decisions.

The trying to save others from pain and suffering can also put the helper in circumstances that can be deadly in their own personal lives. People can be helped, but none of us can be saved from the work needed to escape the cycle of pain and dejection. We can support each other, but in the end, each must wake up, or if not, become a victim for the rest of their lives. No one can wake up for us, though others can help, but the sinking or swimming is in the end, at least for most, a choice made consciously or unconsciously.

It also takes faith to trust in the process that is our lives. Being a Christian, that would involve the grace of God working in the depths of each person's life. I can be Christ hands in helping, but the freedom to learn, or not, is left to each of us personally. So helping others in freedom is different than being compelled to do so.