Small spaces

It is hard to understand looking from the outside, just how little and small life can become for those old and declining, or simply those who have a debilitating illness.  Emilio is a man that I have been taking care for about 4 years now.  Or should I say ‘we', for there or of course others.  Rose the RN, who is very caring, and works very hard to care for those under her charge.  Then there is Neda, an LPN, who is also very dedicated to those that she cares for.   Bernie, Ann, Rita, Elda, Bernadette, Bilolge, all CNA's.  So yes we have quite a team, we need it, for there is a lot to be done.  I am sort of in charge, but I try to stay out of the RN's way, for if do not give her my support, she will not be able to fulfill her function fully.  She has earned my trust.  She is fair in dealing with those who answer to her, but demands their best.  So those who need care, whose worlds have shrunk, need a lot of help to be able to live a decent life there.  Each is unique and requires a little different kind of treatment.  Some have dementia, so we make their decisions for them.  When to get up, feeding, baths etc.  Others, who have their faculties, have more freedom in some decisions, in others, well we have a schedule to maintain, and so they go along with certain activities that simply need to be done.   So each has different needs, emotional, physical and spiritual; we try to deal with all three levels.

So back to Emilio; who over the last month or so, has gotten progressively weaker and in more need of care, more than in the past, when he was a little stronger.  He wanted to talk to me about ‘things'.  So I went to his room, sat down for a chat.  I have a lot of those here it seems; chats.  He was anxious about the move we were going to do this week.  We are going to move him to a room closer to the Nurses station.  Since his fall, his ability to feel in his hands has lessened, as well as in his feet, so he is quite helpless.  He can't use the phone any more, so we are placing him in a room that the Nurses and CNA's are near much of the time.  It is also near the dinning and TV area.  He likes to watch the news and also Turner Classic Movies.   A blessing, this channel, no commercials, which can cause some problems for those with dementia, overload at times, for they often involve many scenes one after another.

He just needed reassuring that it would all go smoothly, for he tends to be  anxious about ‘little things', but not about the ‘big thing'.  So I assured him that it would go well, and would only take a couple of hours to complete the move.  We just needed to clean each room, move his stuff in, and it would be over.  I then asked him if he was afraid about his getting weaker.  He looked at me, shrugged, smiled and said: "no, what can I do".  He also said:  "I think I will be gone by Christmas".  Well we shall see.  What I am amazed at is his lack of fear about death, he is totally at peace. 

He is a thoughtful man, was a teacher for many years.  Loves philosophy, his favorite writer was ‘Blondel', of whom I have read little, but plan on doing so in the future.  I have a long reading list, perhaps I will get to it before I die. I am sure I will, for I think it will allow me to understand this very special and lovable man, of whom I have had the honor of accompanying, at least a little on his journey.

He sleeps well, adapts to his world shrinking, and stays in good humor.  I can get a little impatient, when I forget that even if his world his smaller than mine, much smaller, it is still his whole world, so little concerns, are really big ones.  As the saying goes, "A tempest in a teapot is still a tempest"; something I often need reminding about, and thank God I get it on a regular basis.

It is very humbling to take care of others; for they often manifest great courage and forbearance in dealing with there everyday lives.  I just hope that I can learn from them.  Since the years are speeding up, and yes add that I will soon be 60, I will perhaps sooner than I want to be, asked to give up some of the independence that I so take for granted.  The number of years remaining really doesn't matter, for the rapidity of time is such that it will be experienced as soon, no matter how many days, months and years pass.   Maybe I will also be able to take the ‘big thing' in stride, and find the peace that Emilio manifest to those around him.