Accept or fight


In my experience in working with the elderly, I am often humbled by the way in which they accept diminishment in their lives.  I have always thought that as we get older year by year, we are all slowly backed inexorably into a corner.  It is simply part of the process we must go through as we age. This process of course is faster for some than for others, and no two people adapt to this in quite the same way.  I am not sure that there is a right way to adapt; each seems to have to go down a certain path, often based on habitual ways in dealing with reality. The daily choices we make though out our lives, in how we deal with whatever comes our way.  I guess the so called ‘small choices' are perhaps the most important, for they become habitual, either a virtue or perhaps a vice.

So in my years in working with the elderly, I guess I have pretty much seen just about every variation of this theme.  Some fight for their independence, losing the battle over and over again, refusing to understand that there may be other ways in handling the many small crises that they have to go through.  Others let go, even if with great inner difficulty, with humor and dignity.  So yes some suffer more than others.  Some think that those who fight are the stronger ones, those who accept the weaker. Myself, well I tend think each case has to be evaluated as they come along.  In fact I am not sure the categories of ‘stronger', or ‘weaker', really have in real bearing at all.  For like all judgments they come from without, without any real knowledge of the struggle that is going on within.

To accept or to fight that is the question.  Some can accept harsh reality, because they have a deep well of inner strength that allows them to learn from whatever ‘outward' event happens in their life.  A life long habit of consciously going with the flow, a sort of dying to the old and accepting the new, even if unpleasant.   Others may take a little longer to find that ‘inner strength'. Even if not, perhaps that is simply a part of their journey and learning.  Learning to let go may just take a little longer.  In the end letting go is really not an option. The corner is just too small, no room for maneuvering, just the letting go.

Some are merely passive, outwardly compliant, yet inside there can be a great deal of anger over what life has dealt out to them.  I would suppose, that most in this category are somewhere in the mid-lands of this inner landscape.  A bundle of contradictions (?); well yes, we are creative enough to be that much of the time.  Fighting I suppose can be a flight from reality, trying to escape what needs to simply be accepted.  However fighting is an understandable response in an often confusing situation, and perhaps necessary, even if painful for all involved.  It is difficult for them, and painful to watch, as they lose one battle after another, as they slowly age.  Every diminishment is fought against, often endangering themselves and causing a great deal of worry for those who are in charge of their care.  Yet it is also understood, this process, for the most part by the caregivers. So they are surrounded by those who watch out for them a little more closely. 

Like I said, this is ok; we each have our own ways of dealing with life.  I would think no matter what strategy used, each has it pluses and minuses.   The ‘fighters' from my limited experience are in the minority.  Most of those I have had the privilege taking care of, accept their latter years with grace and dignity.  Of course dementia can also happen, it does for many, but even then each is a totally unique experience when it comes to care giving. 

Since I believe that our lives have meaning and that there is indeed something that awaits us after this life; I am able to see each stage of life as a necessary process that has equal value.  Some stages are easier than others; though I think for most life gets more of an uphill journey when the teen years are entered.  Studies seem to indicate that adolescents, is quite probably the most difficult time of life.  It was for me, I would never want to go through that stage again. 

Loves, caring, being listened to, are things that I think we all desire. When they are missing, no matter what stage of life one is in, things can be pretty bleak.  One of the best ways of receiving the above gifts in our lives is to simply give them out.  To love others, listen, and to care for those around us, are gifts that I feel we are all called to share.   For though we are unique, there are certain things that we respond to, and in giving these gifts to others, we receive them back a hundred fold.  The human heart is made for openness.  When resentment, anger and fear close it off, then the heart breaks, becomes hard.  Perhaps the most important lesson to learn is to not allow this too happen, to fight it with tooth and nail so to speak.

Passivity does not work. Passive people are often overlooked. For the message picked up by others, often wrongly interrupted is: "leave me alone"; and in the end sad to say, they often are left alone. Though in fact they are trapped and will remain there, not understanding that their passivity is the problem or obstacle.   Thankfully there are those who see through this and do reach out, often with positive results.

The more love you give, the more you have, sort of like ‘nail soup'; the pot never empties.  In giving, fears are overcome or simply bypassed, since we are all made for the giving, more than in the receiving; a neat trick many don't know about until they try.  A certain toughness has to be developed, for love to be freely given; for at times one can be rebuffed, or simply misunderstood.  Some do not respond the way often preconceived, yet love is never wasted.  It is a seed, we are all planters, we are dropping seeds all the time, some for good, others, sad to say for ill. Yet it is never too late to start loving, giving, reaching out, for in that we truly live out the image we are created in.  No matter what stage of life one is in, it is never too late to start.  For we are always at the beginning, called and graced, by that which pursues us, seeking our response, the mystery that is the mother of all mysteries. 

The eternal is not an object among other objects, but is the inner most, inner part, of our souls; yet everywhere present.  Each of us, no matter what one thinks, or feels about themselves, is loved in a manner so intense, that to experience it even for a second would cause us to die of joy.  That is why this life can seem so dark.  It is a necessary part of our process, our dying and rising, our shedding of what is no longer needed. To simply take one step forward at a time; and yes failure is also part of the process.  In that light, even old age, difficult as it is, or will be for those of us who have not yet arrived; is just another important part of our pilgrimage.