Knots

Knots of anger
tight balls of energy
rest deep within my psyche,
dormant or so it seems,
then awakening;
vivid images of deep rage lash out,
mindlessly seeking revenge
on whomever is in my mind,
so strong
it rips my soul
seeking some way to express itself,
the binding frustration
holding down,
imprisoned,
chained.

So it goes, this ever recurring cycle of rage filled fantasies, seeking to find release,
yet it never seems to really come.  Rage is hard, merciless, cold, mindless, and reptilian even, seeking a target, any target to vent its infantile, primordial desires.  The mages are getting stronger, yet I do not fear them, it is just time to seek to communicate in a safe environment, for it needs to be exorcised, brought out into the light.

I think I know where this deep abiding anger flows from, I know its root, even perhaps the moment that it started, or perhaps moments.  For there are two that keep coming to mind that have not changed over the decades, so perhaps they are not false memories, but true.  Or at least an imperfect remembrance, yet enough to work with I think.  There is so much, so compressed as if stuffed into a little box with the lid tightly shut, yet now it is bouncing the lid up and down and bits and pieces of this very strong emotion rears its head.  It is the head of a very large snake, aggressive, hungry, wanting me to deal with it.

Years ago I had a dream in which I was in a house that was under attack by a giant snake, it was longer than the house for its body encircled it, and half as high.  I was inside the house cowering, and then I made the decision to go out and face it since I was going to die anyway.  So I went out to fight, but I approached the snake it became suddenly very small, I picked it up and all it said was:  "all I wanted to do was talk".  I then woke up. So perhaps the time for talking is hear at last.  I hope this is true.

While a very slow healing has taken place with this deep wound, I am hoping by going up to Colorado this will expedite the process for me.  I don't think this inner rage is a danger to anyone that I come into contact with, but I could be naïve in this regard.  Going over the top, exploding, acting out is not uncommon; the papers are filled with stories about men and women going postal.  Could this happen to me?  Well since I am human, I will have to say yes, though I think it unlikely.  Could be denial, so another reason to seek outside help and overcome my fear of being transparent in this level of my inner world.

People don't see this inner part of me, though I do talk about it.  Even when there are times that I can show anger and that anger is fed by the deep inner rage, it is not a direct acting out from the actual rage itself, for that could be destructive to all concern.  So this is one of the problems that I want to deal with.

 am ready, the grace is there, well it probably has always been there, perhaps I lacked the courage or perhaps the insight to understand the depth of this issue.  Of course I also know it is a common one, so I need not to make it unique, at least as for as being human is concerned, for we each deal with deep unconscious and conscious material on life's journey.
If not dealt with, I guess it will deal with me.  One way or another it will draw me to a point when it has to be dealt with.  I would rather meet this ‘big inner snake' half way, so we can simply talk.  I don't want to be swallowed, I want healing.