Wondering


Waiting on the gurney under a clean sheet,
exposed,
naked,
vulnerable,
waiting to be transported for his procedure,
alone fearing the worst that can happen
for his body was to be cut deep,
the outcome unsure. 

His life on track so many plans,
the months filled with duties and places to go,
a life in the fast lane going round and round,
each rung of the ladder came with a price.

Until the day the doctor looked concerned,
then without warning his life truncated without warning,
so little by little he came to understand,
that yes,
his mortality was something sure,
death no longer something far away,
for it could be his time today.

In the room cold,
lights too bright,
the laugher of those preparing
an affront to what he was facing,
a body that betrayed him
soon to be wounded in order to heal.

He looked at the syringe placed in the tube
knowing soon his mind would go blank,
not knowing if he will ever wake up.

So he closed his eyes waiting for oblivion,
his last question no one heard:

"Lord are you there?"

Illusion

Each the center
thier universe complete,
all thoughts are perfect and right
until others are met,
the differences come to light
and then our problems begin in earnest
for in fact
none of us or the center.

Just the illusion of.

Gifts


I guess my gifts and also my compulsions are intimately connected, like two sides of a coin, for one to exist, the other also has to also be there. These two sides come into existence, or perhaps a better word, were birthed, from my interaction with past experiences, and sometimes with one really important event, that caused a process to begin that is still flowing to this day. There seems, at least for me, the one happening or experience, from which my clouded interpretations of latter experiences are based on. There are a few that I can pinpoint to, others a little vaguer.

I am a caregiver. I suppose being the 3^rd oldest of 11 brothers and sisters has something to do with it. You just get used to caring for others, so it is common in my family, a lot of caregivers in it. Robert the 2^nd oldest in his own way is a caregiver. Even when young he was into giving to the community in ways that I would never be attracted to. Now he is a priest in the Episcopal Church, ordained just last year, and seems very happy and competent in his calling. Sissy works with the elderly, Jane is a therapist for those in recovery, John is active in his ministry in helping others, and Judy is very empathic towards the needs of people in her life, especially those in the family. Craig is very generous in giving time and money for others in need, even if it hurts himself along finical lines. So yes care giving is part of our family. Both the giftedness and the underlying compulsion equally part of the equation.

I often take up for others and as I get older, am able to see more often and clearly, when I am going over the top in doing so. I think that points to me trying to protect others from what I have experienced in the past, or interrupted perhaps the better word, and perhaps wrongly. I can be unfair to those in authority over me and am trying to find some ways to either offset that reaction, or to at least tone it down a bit. The compulsive side of care giving can be destructive when it is not freely acted upon, but one feels compelled to do so. A kind of desperation comes into play, a savior complex, if I don't do this the others world will fall apart and it will be my fault. So yes it is a transference, the bringing up something from the long buried past that is feeding into the present. Compulsions can take the person experiencing them from the present and drag everyone involved into their trying to right some past injustice, hurt, or abuse. Each becomes a character in a play created by the unconscious, to be played over and over again until some insight can be had. The best way for me is to simply catch myself doing it and trying to tone it down. Which of course is easier said than done. For there is some truth in trying to help others, just keep it in the present with boundaries intact. Helping someone is not the same as taking responsibility for their lives and decisions.

The trying to save others from pain and suffering can also put the helper in circumstances that can be deadly in their own personal lives. People can be helped, but none of us can be saved from the work needed to escape the cycle of pain and dejection. We can support each other, but in the end, each must wake up, or if not, become a victim for the rest of their lives. No one can wake up for us, though others can help, but the sinking or swimming is in the end, at least for most, a choice made consciously or unconsciously.

It also takes faith to trust in the process that is our lives. Being a Christian, that would involve the grace of God working in the depths of each person's life. I can be Christ hands in helping, but the freedom to learn, or not, is left to each of us personally. So helping others in freedom is different than being compelled to do so.

Yours

My thoughts are mine,
as my sins as well,
the evil I do belongs to me,
also the despair generated,
an inner hunger wishing to devour.

O Lord,
the light is yours,
also the healing,
the joy as well belongs to you,
the gift of mercy,
your grace freely given,
who can understand it?

Option

Waiting is almost a way of life,
in traffic,
doctor's offices,
for loved ones arrivial,
everywhere we wait.

For What?

For an ending,
so the flow of life,
our plans,
continue.

Until the next wait.

Perhaps life is a waiting area,
something that simply is,
our only control our attitude
or perhaps understanding,
our depth of perception
the only option.

William has his days.  Some days he is cheerful, talkative, eats well and likes to watch sports on the common TV.  Other days he is combative, sullen, won't eat, yells etc., which is normal and we just adapt.  Some days it takes two to clean him, others only one is needed.  Not matter what kind of day he is having, he loves ice cream. So one of us feeds him if he needs to be, and at least for a short time he feels a little better.  When he gets too loud, which is often caused by too much stimulation, or from sundowners syndrome, he is put by himself for a time which tends to calm him down a bit.  We are really great friends, and I guess he could be my favorite.  He calls me ‘Markey" when he knows who I am and on other days it is "Jimmy". I guess a good friend, from when he was playing in the jazz band when a young man.

Luke is 97 and revels in that fact.  He is getting weaker but stays in a good mood, is gentle and laughs easily.  He loves tea and toast and has many friends who love to visit and spoil him.  Until a short time ago, he helped out a lot, which was life giving for him.  He always got a kick out of being as much as 25 years older than some of those he took care of.  Yeah his DNA pool is truly awesome. 

Tom is bedridden, but has adapted well.  He keeps busy, reads a lot and yes also has lots of friends.  Our main concern is his gaining weight, so we may have to get another bed for him.  Since he cannot move around at all, he easily gains ever increasing pounds.  We try to control his intake but it is really impossible.  Even fruit can put pounds on someone who does not burn up any calories thorough activities.  To put him on a 1200 calorie diet could be cruel, at least for him.  So we try, but it is one of those battles that I am willing to let go of.  Like I said, we can get him a bigger bed if needed.  Food is a great comfort for most people and I only know a handful were this does not apply.  He really does not eat ‘too much'; he just can't burn it off.

Jerome is happy, he reads, uses his electric type writer, listens to music, watches a movie from time to time, and yes he also has friends.  He seems very content and is very little trouble.  He has a gentle smile and when he laughs his whole body shakes.  He loves scripture and can read Latin, Hebrew and Greek.  So he keeps himself busy and is happy.
His legs are still strong, so he can really zoom when using his wheelchair.

Clarence is the most active, though far from well.  He is on dialysis three times a week, and also goes to therapy the other three.  Along with other doctor's visits, he is out quite a bit, but this seems to life giving for him.  Most hate going out, he seems to thrive on it.
He is a very talkative man, and I guess I know just about everything about his family history.  He can be very gentle with the others up here and I am often impressed in the way he relates to them.  He can be very kind and considerate.  Some days he can be very fatigued, this mostly happens after dialysis for it can be very demanding.  He is also saddened when one of those who belong to his little community at the clinic dies, for he is a very sensitive man, though he likes to hide it.

Victor is a very quite and private person.  He likes to stay in his room and seems content to do little.  He needs help getting in and out of bed and eats in the common room but never watches TV with the others.  He is picky in what he eats, but he does better than most of the others.  He is little trouble, but can be demanding at times, yet listens when told of this tendency and tries to work with it.  His best quality is that he does have a sense of humor, very dry, and can laugh at himself.

Leo has always been quiet, but now needs to be feed as well as does Philip and William on certain days.  He has always been gentle and was an artist when before he came down with dementia at a young age.  He can still laugh at a joke, responds when spoken to, but most likely does not know where he is, or really knows those who take care of him.  There is one person that he seems to remember. Her name is Salena, a beautiful young woman who loves to visit him.  He responds to her and seems to remember who she is, though not by name.  She has been a true faithful friend for many years.  He does not watch TV, though at times the animal planet station does seem to grab his attention. 

So all in all, it is a busy place and though I seem at times close to burn out, I still love working with the men her and also with the crew. 

The path

I have a marked out path
though it is often obscured by ignorance,
habit,
and the simple fear of simply looking within.

I seem to be at times swallowed,
dragged beneath the waves,
for a time actually possibly insane,
for while I am under
my thoughts are on the defensive,
a victim trying to right the wrong,
seeking to set the chaotic outer world in place,
an impossible task
something I slowly have learned over the years
for the chaos is simply me at times.

Life a lava flow it seeks expression,
yet scorched earth is of no use,
best not to say anything for a time
or make plans,
perhaps just write,
find someone in which I can simple vent,
someone who knows me,
understands,
who will not be afraid of the rage,
anger or resentment expressed in such colorful
black and white language,
a tantrum,
roots going way back,
way, way, back.

Until the lave flow trickles to nothing ,
reason returns,
it is like waking up
or perhaps coming to the surface of the water
and taking a deep breathe
and perhaps something learned.

Though of course growth in understanding slow,
anything worthwhile often is.
For actions taken in rage or anger
can have life long effects,
seeds planted that have a life of their own,
for is not my own anger a seed planted from my deep past?

I often wait


I wonder what is behind the mask I wear,
so forcefully applied that I think it actually real,
hidden beneath my hidden visage
myself unable to comprehend,
fearful at times for the images received
fill my heart with a certain dread.

I know that I am duplicitous
even if not done in spite,
for my face looks in both directions
striving to go just one course;
the middle torn and bleeding
confused at my own insubstantial striving,
afraid of the in-between
that I seek to hide from grace.

In part I know,
the rest I seek to flee,
yet the deeper regions
reside within,
trapped in my own web of inner deceit.

So I often wait yet not in despair,
for I have learned to trust
in the something deeper going on
beyond my thought and striving,
bringing my life to fruition.

Small spaces

It is hard to understand looking from the outside, just how little and small life can become for those old and declining, or simply those who have a debilitating illness.  Emilio is a man that I have been taking care for about 4 years now.  Or should I say ‘we', for there or of course others.  Rose the RN, who is very caring, and works very hard to care for those under her charge.  Then there is Neda, an LPN, who is also very dedicated to those that she cares for.   Bernie, Ann, Rita, Elda, Bernadette, Bilolge, all CNA's.  So yes we have quite a team, we need it, for there is a lot to be done.  I am sort of in charge, but I try to stay out of the RN's way, for if do not give her my support, she will not be able to fulfill her function fully.  She has earned my trust.  She is fair in dealing with those who answer to her, but demands their best.  So those who need care, whose worlds have shrunk, need a lot of help to be able to live a decent life there.  Each is unique and requires a little different kind of treatment.  Some have dementia, so we make their decisions for them.  When to get up, feeding, baths etc.  Others, who have their faculties, have more freedom in some decisions, in others, well we have a schedule to maintain, and so they go along with certain activities that simply need to be done.   So each has different needs, emotional, physical and spiritual; we try to deal with all three levels.

So back to Emilio; who over the last month or so, has gotten progressively weaker and in more need of care, more than in the past, when he was a little stronger.  He wanted to talk to me about ‘things'.  So I went to his room, sat down for a chat.  I have a lot of those here it seems; chats.  He was anxious about the move we were going to do this week.  We are going to move him to a room closer to the Nurses station.  Since his fall, his ability to feel in his hands has lessened, as well as in his feet, so he is quite helpless.  He can't use the phone any more, so we are placing him in a room that the Nurses and CNA's are near much of the time.  It is also near the dinning and TV area.  He likes to watch the news and also Turner Classic Movies.   A blessing, this channel, no commercials, which can cause some problems for those with dementia, overload at times, for they often involve many scenes one after another.

He just needed reassuring that it would all go smoothly, for he tends to be  anxious about ‘little things', but not about the ‘big thing'.  So I assured him that it would go well, and would only take a couple of hours to complete the move.  We just needed to clean each room, move his stuff in, and it would be over.  I then asked him if he was afraid about his getting weaker.  He looked at me, shrugged, smiled and said: "no, what can I do".  He also said:  "I think I will be gone by Christmas".  Well we shall see.  What I am amazed at is his lack of fear about death, he is totally at peace. 

He is a thoughtful man, was a teacher for many years.  Loves philosophy, his favorite writer was ‘Blondel', of whom I have read little, but plan on doing so in the future.  I have a long reading list, perhaps I will get to it before I die. I am sure I will, for I think it will allow me to understand this very special and lovable man, of whom I have had the honor of accompanying, at least a little on his journey.

He sleeps well, adapts to his world shrinking, and stays in good humor.  I can get a little impatient, when I forget that even if his world his smaller than mine, much smaller, it is still his whole world, so little concerns, are really big ones.  As the saying goes, "A tempest in a teapot is still a tempest"; something I often need reminding about, and thank God I get it on a regular basis.

It is very humbling to take care of others; for they often manifest great courage and forbearance in dealing with there everyday lives.  I just hope that I can learn from them.  Since the years are speeding up, and yes add that I will soon be 60, I will perhaps sooner than I want to be, asked to give up some of the independence that I so take for granted.  The number of years remaining really doesn't matter, for the rapidity of time is such that it will be experienced as soon, no matter how many days, months and years pass.   Maybe I will also be able to take the ‘big thing' in stride, and find the peace that Emilio manifest to those around him.

Accept or fight


In my experience in working with the elderly, I am often humbled by the way in which they accept diminishment in their lives.  I have always thought that as we get older year by year, we are all slowly backed inexorably into a corner.  It is simply part of the process we must go through as we age. This process of course is faster for some than for others, and no two people adapt to this in quite the same way.  I am not sure that there is a right way to adapt; each seems to have to go down a certain path, often based on habitual ways in dealing with reality. The daily choices we make though out our lives, in how we deal with whatever comes our way.  I guess the so called ‘small choices' are perhaps the most important, for they become habitual, either a virtue or perhaps a vice.

So in my years in working with the elderly, I guess I have pretty much seen just about every variation of this theme.  Some fight for their independence, losing the battle over and over again, refusing to understand that there may be other ways in handling the many small crises that they have to go through.  Others let go, even if with great inner difficulty, with humor and dignity.  So yes some suffer more than others.  Some think that those who fight are the stronger ones, those who accept the weaker. Myself, well I tend think each case has to be evaluated as they come along.  In fact I am not sure the categories of ‘stronger', or ‘weaker', really have in real bearing at all.  For like all judgments they come from without, without any real knowledge of the struggle that is going on within.

To accept or to fight that is the question.  Some can accept harsh reality, because they have a deep well of inner strength that allows them to learn from whatever ‘outward' event happens in their life.  A life long habit of consciously going with the flow, a sort of dying to the old and accepting the new, even if unpleasant.   Others may take a little longer to find that ‘inner strength'. Even if not, perhaps that is simply a part of their journey and learning.  Learning to let go may just take a little longer.  In the end letting go is really not an option. The corner is just too small, no room for maneuvering, just the letting go.

Some are merely passive, outwardly compliant, yet inside there can be a great deal of anger over what life has dealt out to them.  I would suppose, that most in this category are somewhere in the mid-lands of this inner landscape.  A bundle of contradictions (?); well yes, we are creative enough to be that much of the time.  Fighting I suppose can be a flight from reality, trying to escape what needs to simply be accepted.  However fighting is an understandable response in an often confusing situation, and perhaps necessary, even if painful for all involved.  It is difficult for them, and painful to watch, as they lose one battle after another, as they slowly age.  Every diminishment is fought against, often endangering themselves and causing a great deal of worry for those who are in charge of their care.  Yet it is also understood, this process, for the most part by the caregivers. So they are surrounded by those who watch out for them a little more closely. 

Like I said, this is ok; we each have our own ways of dealing with life.  I would think no matter what strategy used, each has it pluses and minuses.   The ‘fighters' from my limited experience are in the minority.  Most of those I have had the privilege taking care of, accept their latter years with grace and dignity.  Of course dementia can also happen, it does for many, but even then each is a totally unique experience when it comes to care giving. 

Since I believe that our lives have meaning and that there is indeed something that awaits us after this life; I am able to see each stage of life as a necessary process that has equal value.  Some stages are easier than others; though I think for most life gets more of an uphill journey when the teen years are entered.  Studies seem to indicate that adolescents, is quite probably the most difficult time of life.  It was for me, I would never want to go through that stage again. 

Loves, caring, being listened to, are things that I think we all desire. When they are missing, no matter what stage of life one is in, things can be pretty bleak.  One of the best ways of receiving the above gifts in our lives is to simply give them out.  To love others, listen, and to care for those around us, are gifts that I feel we are all called to share.   For though we are unique, there are certain things that we respond to, and in giving these gifts to others, we receive them back a hundred fold.  The human heart is made for openness.  When resentment, anger and fear close it off, then the heart breaks, becomes hard.  Perhaps the most important lesson to learn is to not allow this too happen, to fight it with tooth and nail so to speak.

Passivity does not work. Passive people are often overlooked. For the message picked up by others, often wrongly interrupted is: "leave me alone"; and in the end sad to say, they often are left alone. Though in fact they are trapped and will remain there, not understanding that their passivity is the problem or obstacle.   Thankfully there are those who see through this and do reach out, often with positive results.

The more love you give, the more you have, sort of like ‘nail soup'; the pot never empties.  In giving, fears are overcome or simply bypassed, since we are all made for the giving, more than in the receiving; a neat trick many don't know about until they try.  A certain toughness has to be developed, for love to be freely given; for at times one can be rebuffed, or simply misunderstood.  Some do not respond the way often preconceived, yet love is never wasted.  It is a seed, we are all planters, we are dropping seeds all the time, some for good, others, sad to say for ill. Yet it is never too late to start loving, giving, reaching out, for in that we truly live out the image we are created in.  No matter what stage of life one is in, it is never too late to start.  For we are always at the beginning, called and graced, by that which pursues us, seeking our response, the mystery that is the mother of all mysteries. 

The eternal is not an object among other objects, but is the inner most, inner part, of our souls; yet everywhere present.  Each of us, no matter what one thinks, or feels about themselves, is loved in a manner so intense, that to experience it even for a second would cause us to die of joy.  That is why this life can seem so dark.  It is a necessary part of our process, our dying and rising, our shedding of what is no longer needed. To simply take one step forward at a time; and yes failure is also part of the process.  In that light, even old age, difficult as it is, or will be for those of us who have not yet arrived; is just another important part of our pilgrimage.

shadow

beneath the smiles I pass out,
the jokes spoken,
my niceness
and Christian rhetoric
so expertly spouted;
yes just under,
like the tails on a coin
hidden under the head,
my flip side perhaps more real
than the one I foolishly think I know,
dwells the ‘other',
he who is wild,
dangerous,
wanton in disregard for others,
controlled by moods even if buried,
or numbed
by my pious pretensions I sometimes believe.

my over-think
a liability,
causing me to trip over myself,
my true reflection fearful
to my pallid rootless goodness,
no stronger than a mist
soon dissipated by the merciless sun,
for it is light that scours the soul to the bone,
burning ever deeper
for the truth must be told,
held,
even embraced,
if the deeper image is to arise,
the sun's gift,
healing grace
offered.

World views

Lord, why is it as I get older, I seem to have less answers.  My freedom in some ways seems less, or perhaps it has always been this way.  I feel unreal, rootless in some ways, though not in all.  I often wonder why I even write, if it is not just the ramblings of an old fool, who just has a gift for putting words together, but in the end mean nothing?  For after I have written something I wonder if that is really me at all. 

I seem at an impasse, or perhaps it is really a crossroads, with a really long light. I have no idea, or so it seems at times.  My faith is deep and strong, yet I feel without it, on any feeling level. Not in the way of loosing something, it just seems to have sunken deeper and I don't always know what to do about it.  My trust is there, even if it seems Lord, you are not. Strange that, your absence experienced as a form of presence, my roots strong in dry soil.  At times weighed down by simply who I am, yet in silence, hidden you sustain me.  People ask me what grace is, my response is often, everything is, a gift, for everyone.  Life, breathe, food, sex, warmth, love, and yes all the crap that also comes with our lives, also a gift.  Not all gifts are pleasant, their effect not seen until much later; of course the rub is faith is needed to see that.  Another choice, at least for me, others, well it is not place to say one thing or another.  I just trust.

I know that beliefs are defining, but what is it I actually believe?  Can I believe in more than one thing?  Can these beliefs be contradictory at times?  Do I not believe in some of the things I say I do, and not know it?  Am I afraid that if I look too deeply I will find nothing?  While I find atheism more absurd than belief in God, why do I believe at all?  Yet I do.  It seems that I live in a universe that only allows lots of questions, but no definite answers, at least not in the ultimate answers department.  Though there are plenty of people who will tell me otherwise, be they believers or not.  Many people seem to have really strong beliefs, with the need to draw a line, take a stand, and stop thinking along certain lines, though a lot of depth can be mined that way.   I have my own corridor of beliefs that I have chosen to develop, which of course closes other avenues of looking at reality from my experience.  True I can study them, learn from them, but only as an outsider.  As a Christian, I interrupt reality with that lens, with all of it symbols, metaphors that the scriptures allow me to digest.  I treasure my faith, yet I still seek along other lines, though I know a final answer will not come to light.

World views are based on some kind of faith, for to have a world view that is integrated, the often thoughtful views and insights of others may need to be ignored, or bracketed as false, or even dangerous.   Which of course can cause no amount of trouble for all involved; for it is rare for real listening and a desire for understanding to be present in most debates, or even in dialogues which I have been privy to.

 I believe that we choose those that we give authority to.  Books are chosen to digest, articles read that help to firm a certain outlook on life, for believers their scriptures play a major role if they are devout.  Others, perhaps the so called ‘freethinkers' will do the same, for study is needed to deepen ones world view.  It is necessary I guess, for growth into insight.  The problem is that it closes off the understanding of others.  That is the way it is in this life, something gained, something lost.  There is always a price.

I have learned however not too really ‘care' what others believe.  I have found that saves me a great deal of trouble, for there are many who seem to think that the thoughts and beliefs of others can be changed, which in my experience does not happen.  No matter how good the augment seems, or how loud one shouts, it does no good.  Now seeds can be planted, but they have to be cultivated, which means that one has to choose to give a certain amount of authority of other ways of thinking, which includes books etc.  Each world view has its own rational, making sense to the one holding them, but to outsider, it is often nonsense.

I think a lot of "straw men" are created because of that.  They are called ‘stereotypes', usually of the more insulting variety, used by just about everyone for outsiders, making fools of themselves in the process.  I have done it many times, and will probably do it in the future, though the occurrences are getting much less than when I was younger.  I find it amazing when others tell me what I think or believe, and then they expect me to agree with them on it!  I suppose a lot of trouble will be sidestepped with a little study of the opposing side, but I guess that will not happen.  Or if it is done, literature is only read from the point of view of an outsider, so that it not real study at all, at least not in any meaningful sense of the word. Sort of like reading ‘Chick publishers' to learn about the catholic faith; does not come even close.  So it is easy to see how that might be done, even if on a little more sophisticated level by others to debase, or misrepresent, other world views, be they political or religious and yes secular.

Also when two opposing belief systems meet, the worst is brought out in both sides much of the time.  Normally nice, rational people, become screaming holler monkeys, jumping up and down on their different branches, just shirking at each other with arguments that sort of take on a life of their own and convince no one. 

Being human I am of course writing about myself, for I have been one of the screaming monkeys from time to time.  So now I try, fail, and try again, to respect the beliefs of others, for most of us, they are hard won, precious and defining.  The problem with thinking and studying is that ones beliefs move from being habits of the mind, to something freely chosen, knowing that in the end, could be wrong.  It is the same for us all, for we live in a world that is filled with more questions than answers.  The saying "one step at a time" is very poignant for me as I get older, for I think as we mature, think and yes choose, we get closer and closer to the bone.  It is then when we make our act of faith true and unique in each case.  We each mirror divinity differently, at least in my opinion.

As a Christian the center of my life is Christ, the logos.  For others this will seem foolish and childish; well so what?  My beliefs have deep roots, tested and enduring.  Also personal experiences are at the base of most beliefs, leading down many different roads.  It is not my place to judge, but to seek to understand, and yes, forgive me for using two over used words; to love and not judge.  I cannot even judge myself; for there are times even with all my deep roots, I am not sure what I believe, I just stay on the path I have chosen, even if at times I do it poorly.

Nam Vet


So again I saw a man at the light,
his sign saying:

"Nam Vet,
homeless,
hungry,
please help"

I stopped and gave him something,
not much,
just a little bit.

He said ‘God bless you",
looked at me,
sat down and looked down,
as I waited for the light
he would not raise his eyes,
it seemed forever the wait for the green,
for he was shamed,
belittled,
because he had to beg.

He seemed strong,
not on any kind of substance,
just perhaps lost,
not even knowing why himself,
just a little bit hollow
and ashamed perhaps.

So we connected for a time,
or perhaps for more than that,
for I still think about him,
a strong looking man,
helpless beside a light,
begging,
alone.

Jesus wept.

So much


There is a great deal to learn and understand on any one path. I am a Christian, and there is so much to delve into, the insights into what the mystery is all about, and most importantly and perhaps the most difficult, how to simply live them out consistently; which by the way, I don't. Insight and understanding can still be just the beginning of a very long journey into the depths of mystery. In order for this maturing to happen, open-endedness is needed, as well as patience with oneself and others.

I seek to be rooted in Christ, yet I often experience those roots to be shallow indeed, barely staying erect when the storms of life, both outer and inner flare up. Always taking me by surprise, or so it seems. I guess on one level I keep thinking I have arrived. This happens when things are going smoothly, the sea flat and peaceful and I guess I can get a little complacent. Until the storm comes, again, and yes it is like the first time. The same lessons learned over and over again, with the accompanying struggles and yes failures, along with the victories.

In the New Jerusalem the streets are paved with gold, the walls of the city are made of precious stones; a reversal of all that is considered valuable and worth seeking on our earthly journey. For when any one thing becomes common, it is not worth much, sort of like cement or gravel. Important for building, but no one will give much for a sack of gravel or cement, so I guess the same goes for gold and precious stones. In the kingdom they are worth little, or perhaps nothing. Baubles really, like pretty plastic, common and cheap. A true reversal of values on a deeply symbolic level, yet not often taken to heart.

So in the journey down the Christian path, paradox plays a big part, which can be unsettling. For paradox is an experience, not just an intellectual understanding. I suppose when one experience paradox in life, the insight learned has to be lost and experienced again on a deeper level. For once thought to be understood, the ability for the paradox to change is lost. I think these lessons learned, are more often than not, intuitive, and hard to explain. Perhaps that is why it is true for any path, that an outsider's take on it is usually slanted, bogus and wrong. Only a Christian can understand the path, while those on the outside can give valuable feed back, it never gets to the heart of the matter. I assume that is true of any faith or path.

For instance, I am often embarrassed ;( there are of course exceptions), when some Christian writers foolishly take it upon themselves to comment on the different Eastern religions. It is amazing how easy it is to sum up some system of belief in just one or two paragraphs, and then for the author to think he has done justice to a sacred path that has existed longer than the Christian faith, in most cases. As far as world religions go, the Christian faith is young. There is a lot to be leaned from other faiths, different ways of expressing the journey, which can enrich those who take the time to simply read and ponder. Of course many do and find it very helpful. In not only understanding others, but it also expands their own understanding of God's work in the world.

The Christian faith is earthy, the Word, the Logos, that which has always been at work in the world, the universe, became flesh and blood, walked, talked, ate, loved, suffered and yes, died among us. The earth is holy, sacramental, God's immanent presence revealed in Christ Jesus. Also, all those others in our lives, the outsiders, those who smell, the outcast, as well as the rich and wealthy, our loved ones, become Christ for us, for Jesus indentifies with each and everyone. The call, often not understood or even if it is, is not lived out fully, is to love others as we love ourselves, to treat others as we ourselves wish to be treated. Of course Christians, myself being a big one, have failed miserably, though there are some who have succeeded; they are called saints. Those who do not flee from the pain and suffering of others, by hiding behind walls of disdain, hatred, and yes pity, but instead embrace all. This is done by fully allowing their selves to be channels of grace, allowing Christ to become fully incarnate in them, Christ ministering to Christ.

The kingdom of heaven is like yeast, working slowly and silently in the dough, bringing change into the world. The seed has been planted and slowly, too slowly for most of us, it is taking root within the human community. For God is intimately involved in our lives, that is what the incarnation revealed: "God with us", it has always been so. The grace, mercy and love revealed in Christ Jesus, has always been at work in the world, it was just made manifest in Jesus Christ; for Christians that is.

It is the human tendency seen in religion, politics, philosophy, to think that the truth can only be had by one group. In religion, it is believed that a revelation reveals everything, when in fact in only brings to light what has always been at work, yet the mystery ever deepens. For mystery is just that an never ending dive into mystery, understanding more yet never coming to a complete comprehension of the height and depth of God love and work in the world. We can be so busy judging others, something we are told not to do, that the message of love, compassion and empathy can be lost. For to love the Lord with ones whole heart, mind and soul, and to love ones neighbor as oneself sums up the law, anything less is trouble for everyone.

As a Christian, I am called to a deep, loving, trusting relationship with God, revealed as a loving Father. This happens when I begin to understand the infinite love God has for everyone, a pure grace, a gift. The judging, well I will leave that up to infinite love, not some puny human understanding of what justice means. Jesus used human terms to explain the unexplainable, to name the unnamable and the concept of a loving Father seems to be the best that he could use.

Power


There is a great deal of wailing over the reality of suffering in our world, which seems tired and often war torn. The world filled with those oppressed by governments, only interested in its survival and furthering of the careers of those in control, while the people are often sacrificed for the satiation of those who crave power and wealth. This of course also means, indulging to the max, the very human tendency towards greed, and what is willingly done to fulfill that desire. So the many suffer and the few prosper in many parts of the world. It almost can become boring, but only because of its dreary repetition, wearily played out over and over again, usually after some kind of revolution, making empty promises of some kind of secular redemption, which never comes. Of course religious overthrows are no better as history will testify. Be it secular or religious, the beast is the same, and when let loose only ruin and suffering follow. All in the name of some higher good, forgetting the value and worth of each individual, who has the misfortune of being in their sphere of influence, until death do them part.

I think the will-to-power is the greatest cause of suffering in the world, where even those who start out with pure intentions to serve, often get swallowed up in the belly of this ever hungry, unsatisfied beast. For in truth, most of us have no idea how we will act if power is presented to us and we in turn embrace it. The world becomes a chess game; the common people become the pawns willingly sacrificed for the ‘higher good', which means of course, what is good for the higher players in this deadly game. The young are often the fodder used by those in power, no matter what the government stands for. It is the young who die on the battle field. Those who have never even begun their lives; dying for the political ambitions of those older and more powerful, who use all manner of propaganda, to send the young to their early graves, making them heroes, which in fact they often are. With all the pomp and ceremony that can be brought to the fore. Yes the top soil all over the world is enriched by the bodies of the young, who gave their all, to satisfy the desires of their elders, for power and yes revenge.

Also the victims of wars, the women and children, old men, killed; often caught between two sides, each punishing and killing for helping the other. It is weariness at times beyond bearing. Another absurdity that we have to choke on, as we watch helpless, unable to bring any kind of change, for deep down there is the knowledge, that each of us is part of the problem. So much desire to conquer, so much anger to unleash, yet to no avail, for it only fuels the rage of those who are conquered, tortured and imprisoned; so the wheel turns endlessly, without rest or respite, our species tied to it with self made chains.

I think that all governments are corrupt; also politicians, who for the most part have to sell their souls if they wish to have any kind of clout in the world. It is so easy to become corrupt, to lose ones way, to allow idealism to be buried under the weight of pragmatism and yes, favors owed to those who make it possible to even run for office. I doubt that if I had that kind of power it would leave me unaffected. It is a heady drug, power, the crowds, and the applause, those who follow blindly; yes intoxicating. I have no doubt that I to would become part of the problem if I was in office. So I am not condemning those men and women who lead us, or those who rule in other parts of the world. It is easy to fall; at least it would be for me.

I have no answers, or easy ones; the kind that many want to receive. There is no ‘ one size fits all' answer to mankind's problems, for they come from within, from the heart, often filled with desires almost impossible to fulfill; yet there dictating to us often on an unconscious level, ways to live them out, or to seek out what they promise. What makes our desires ‘evil' is what we are willing to do to satiate them. It seems that there is no end to what we as a species can do.

So is it all bleak? No, of course not; nothing is that black and white. It is just our struggle. Perhaps one day we will truly understand, on the intellectual, emotional and spiritual levels, the irrationality that we are often prone towards, and to find a way to slowly grow through or past it. The seeds are already there, for in the world there is at least the idea of ‘individual rights', something missing in ages past. So yes we grow slowly as a species, but it always better to hope than to despair. Change cannot come from our leaders, since the paradigm used for leadership is based on power and control and yes defense. Which is still needed, if truth be told; for the world is still a very dangerous place. So armies, weapons, and yes, young men and women to fight and die, are still needed. We are caught as the saying goes: "between a rock and a hard place". I guess we will be there until our knowledge of what needs to be done, will mature into the desire to do whatever it takes to achieve it. I suppose that means looking within for the enemy, instead of without. Sounds simple, but it is probably the most difficult lesson we need to learn if we are to mature and grow.

Strange thoughts

For the last three months or so I have been having a strange kind headache.  It is a pressure felt right at the top of my head.  Sometimes there is a little pain around the edges, still on the top but a little further off from the pressure point.  In years past, in that same area, I would also get a quick pain, it felt like someone had put an ice pick through my skull, and then it would pass.  Now this seems to have moved on to something different.  Because of this, I tend to think whatever it is, is not serious, just another ‘bother', of which seem to pile up as I get older. 

I was going to just wait and see (as stupid as that sounds, or is), but Rose would not let that happen.  So I called the VA at the Eastpointe clinic in South Atlanta and got an appointment.  So I went, saw the Doctor, who is very good, I have no complaints with the VA, the one here in Atlanta is truly wonderful, at least my experience.  When I go I just make sure have lots of reading material, so no matter how long the wait, it goes pretty quickly.

The visit went well, I passed the different test, but even then the doctor wants me to have a CT scan of my pointed little head.  It is truly a strange place to be, waiting for an appointment to see if there is indeed a serious problem.  Even if I am almost sure there isn't one, it can lead to thoughts mostly never entertained.

What if?  Could this be the time when the doctor has to set me down and give the bad news?  "You have only so long to live, we can try this or that, in the end you may live 5 years, if you don't try anything kind of treatment, well you could die in 3 years."  Yes a strange place to be.  But not uncommon, for in the end most of us will sicken of something that will lead to our death.

I look at things differently at least for now; not in the sense that I ‘know' that I will die soon, but that one day a visit will most likely be the way that my curtain of denial will be ripped away and I will really have to face the reality of my temporality.  What then?  How will I react?  My scenarios tend to be of the sort that makes my ego preen itself......I can be such a silly rabbit at times.

I think when that moment comes; it will be one of deep fear and denial at least at first.  I will of course hear the words, but the truth of them may take some time to sink in.  What then?  I would think that it is a lonely land to be in, knowing that this world will soon be over, and the reality of ones doubts will raise to the surface.  Faith and doubt dance together, which one will lead, the other follow?  Being a man of faith, I hope it will be faith that does the leading, but who knows?  Perhaps my relationship with doubt will have to deepen, be faced and accepted, but then, will I doubt my doubt?  I think for many, that is what faith is, doubting doubt, for it can be easier not to believe, than to hope for what one cannot see.  Perhaps all of our belief systems are based on faith.  For the belief that science is the only way to find the truth, is not something that can be proven.  Science is about the world of objects, the depth of the heart, our deep inner longings, well that is for other avenues of knowledge; perhaps more important than science. 

It seems we can't get away from questioning, seeking, no matter where we are on life's journey.  That is what perhaps we are all made for.  I may doubt at times, but if I were an atheist, I think my doubts would be a lot more vehement, than they are now for me as one who seeks the eternal, and often feel myself really being the one perused.   So many paradoxes on the path, incidents to ponder, that make atheism seem like a possibility, but one that is unlikely, at least for me.

Proofs of God, in the end are personal, not scientific, for God is not an object among other objects, hence the impossibility of proving anything about its existence or non-existence.  For some atheism makes the most sense and I say, good for them.  We each must take a stand and move forward living lives flowing from our beliefs.  Though failure is also part of the journey, everyone's; at least from my experience.  To date I have seen no exceptions. So when hypocrisy is flung at me, I say "yes of course, I fail, I am a sinner, and so my being a hypocrite at times should not surprise anyone, least of all me".  Or when others fall, well, as the saying goes:  "there but for the grace of God go I"; is something well worth pondering. 

Whole

A heart fully human is whole,
mine (?),
well it is shattered,
bits and pieces scattered within,
little loves here and there,
no inner connection
like an army at war with itself.

So Lord,
for you is my love,
my devotion,
just another shattered piece?

Or is it your love that is important,
slowing binding my heart,
until one day I also
will become fully human.

Free to forgive,
unafraid to love,
embracing the pain that existence brings,
not seeking escape,
just a yearning for more life,
love,
my tears able to flow freely.

Ah yes tears,
still a mystery for me,
too many walls and doors locked down,
also inner windows shut,
yet your grace O Lord
runs me to the ground,
so perhaps one day
the salt of freedom and healing will be tasted!

Will I be able to bear it,
will I die,
will I live,
I care not for I long for it so,
my fear slowly dying,
from you gentle healing, hidden, touch.

Hoping

I often find myself hoping for surety,
some kind of absolute conviction about my faith;
yet it eludes me,
hiding,
seeming to laugh at my foolishness,
my conceit;
as if what I seek is possible.

So I seek to deepen my faith,
study and think,
write my thoughts such as they are,
striving to understand others,
which can lead to a kind of despair,
or despondency.

For knowledge
can lead to the point,
(a resting place of sorts),
where what is not known
grows as understanding deepens.

Inconstancies I am riddled with,
deep faith,
yet also doubt,
asking,
how can it be?

Is my belief to be believed,
is trust there,
can hope be sustained in doubt?

Not all seeking has to be answered,
trust grows, step, by step,
we all walk in a world cloaked
within a vast wonderful mystery,
hidden,
yet there for all to seek in deeper ways,
until time for us to depart.

For me I seek faith,
Christ the light that draws me,
for it is love I desire,
more than what life can offer;
this longing is true,
I trust in its compassing,
it's pull,
so I continue,
I call out,
and gently wait for the beloved.

I choose

The life of faith can be a bumpy ride for many.  Naïve thoughts about God, his providence and care are often the first's obstacle that needs to be jumped over, if one is to journey very far on the road of faith.  Set backs, illness, the death of loved ones, injustice, the loss of ones livelihood, or perhaps a catastrophe where everything is lost, like the victims of hurricane Ike are common.  It is difficult to let go of the thought that God will spare us from the ups and downs of life, if only we live a good and upright life. Yet it is all around us, the falseness of this belief, though it is often easy to fail to see.  Like it says in the New Testament:  the rain falls on the good as well as the evil.  So faith in God is not an insurance policy, life has to be lived, experienced, in time we all will have our turn in some form of suffering that will leave us asking, why?   Our childish attitudes, if not outgrown can lead to a loss of faith, or into bitterness and resentment against some small god, that never existed in the first place.

God is not a being among beings.  No, all being flows from God, but God is not a being, no form, no boundaries, no standing out or existing. No, God is something other, more, the mystery that calls us to dive ever deeper into its reality.  I understand atheism somewhat, though I could never embrace it, for to me it makes no sense.  I suppose if the Universe was eternal, then perhaps Atheism may have a chance of being real, but since it is not, that it had a beginning; then it is not unreasonable to believe that it had an uncaused, cause.  The generic name that is used is of course:  God.  From that acceptance of a first cause can come different ideas and beliefs about the nature of this uncaused, cause; which is why we have different religions and paths.  Then the development of the idea that this creator can reveal itself comes into play in theological circles.  In the East, we have ‘avatars'. In the west, we have ‘the messiah'; both for Jews and Christians, and the Muslims also have one that they are waiting for.  Of course then different writings were brought together, becoming scriptures; Holy Books that have a sacramental quality for those who believe in them, and are bound by conscious to follow the precepts within.  Of course this can raise a whole lot of questions about how these percepts were lived out, or not.

These cannons came into being as part of an historical development.  The Christian canon was put together by the Catholic Church in the 3^rd century.  This was done because of the plethora of books out claiming to be the authentic voice of what Christians believe, or what one has to do in order to become a Christian.  So the cannon was created, with many books left out.  So yes, the New Testament is a faith document stating what the experience of the early church was of the risen Christ, and is the guide of Christians to this day. Gnosticism was one of the forces that the church had to work against.  There were many sects, each at times at odds with each other over their beliefs, leading to more confusion.  Some say that the New Age movement is Gnosticisms return, could be, though it is a lighter version of what the early Gnostic's believed.  Though not being a Gnostic, I will not judge it, or the New Age movement.  I think some Christians can be overly simplistic about the movement, which only, again, brings confusion to some who are simply seeking the truth.  Making it all demonic only forces those who are searching outside, making them leave their tradition which could be mined for it own riches.   The fact of its flourishing seems to point to something the church did not deal with in the inner spiritual lives of their people.

We talk of immanence and transcendence when discussing God, which for some clouds the issue.  Yet words must be used, it is all we have, at least if we want to communicate what we think and believe.   Language is often controlled by unconscious processes, leading to simplistic statements about other beliefs, based usually on ignorance, or in believing what one is spoon-fed.  Then of course, communication can be angry, the communicator trying to convince themselves that they are free from the tradition that they were brought up in.  People often protest too much, as the saying goes.

Atheist often complain that to believe in God is the same as believing in Santa Claus, the tooth fairy and unicorns,  The examples they use make no sense to me.  Perhaps it is because atheist think of God as just another being, something that can be understood, explained, dealt with in a rational manner.  Deists do that, making God transcendent, uninvolved in creation.  Pantheist, make God totally immanent, material, impersonal, denying any kind of transcendence.   I find both very unconvincing, since transcendence and immanence have to go together when talking about God, at least for me.  Both are placed within time and space, which is absurd to me.  Time and space came into existence with the first moment of creation, today it is called the ‘Big Bang' who knows what it will be called in the future.  I have tried to think about the ‘before', when there was no time or space and all I get is a headache, a very big one, it seems we are not wired to understand such things.

Of course being a Christian, I believe that God reveals himself to us, and again, being a Christian, Christ is the complete revelation, showing us that God is love, using the metaphor of a loving father, to get us to at least begin to understand the mystery of infinite love.  Christ is the corner stone. To bad that it often seems that the corner stone has been misplaced, yet perhaps that is also part of the process.

Today, in order to be a mature seeker, or a believer in a certain religious path, study is a must, if not, well a defensive stance can be taken, that only makes fools of those who take it.  I am not talking about Christians here, but this happens in all groups.  People who malign my faith often do so out of ignorance, anger, or just plain hatred.  They can do what they please, for we are all free to do whatever we want, that is what it means to be human.  But if we really want a humane world, the first step is to strive to understand one another, and to try to put all the straw men and women to rest.  Each person is unique, boxes cannot hold them.  Each seeker, believer, atheist, Gnostic and Agnostic are also unique and different.  We are not all enemies to one another.  Those who want to live in a black and white, ‘Dawkian' world, be they whatever, well let them.  Their malignant influence can be offset by those who seek understanding about one another.  The old ways don't work anymore, we just need to read a little more, study a little deeper, and be aware of the human tendency to be tribal.  Ones faith is not lost in understanding other paths, it will only deepen it.  All people of good will are seekers, pilgrims open to the ever-expanding world that an open ended faith allows, we should support and encourage one another, not fight and belittle.

Of course I barely live this out myself, but it is good to have faith in the presence of God in the world.  That the Word, has always been present and is present now, in the hearts of all, yet it is faith that will allows us to see that.  In both our loved ones, our friends and yes our enemies.  Only love and understanding and yes a deep sense of who one is, and what one believes, can lead to a dialogue that is enriching for all involved.   There is nothing wrong in admitting to the mystery that life is for us, and that we each have a piece of the puzzle.  No need to demonize each other, for we are all brothers and sisters on a journey.  As a Christian, Christ asks all of his followers to love their neighbor as themselves, to treat others as they would want to be treated.  Well that takes thought, self knowledge and yes prayer and an openness to grace, from Christ the corner stone.  Perhaps if that were done, a great deal of confusion, anger, ranting would simply dissipate.

Seeking black and white answers

I wonder what I would be like if I were more disciplined, instead of so scattered much of the time. I guess in my own way I am focused, yet I seem to lack a certain ambition that I often see in others. The things I do wish to work towards, even then I am often lackadaisical about it. Allowing my moods to dictate how I will spend my time and energy. So I often find myself tired and listless, not wanting to do anything. Funny, I am always happier when I am more focused, yet something in me fights it, seems to want chaos, lack of order and direction. It is so irrational and I see no end to this in sight.

Some people seem able to hunker down and do what is necessary. While it is true that I get done what is needed in the moment, it is the long range issues that I have trouble with. I suppose my main love is to simply read, think, daydream and yes, now to write. Yet even then I wonder if it is all real, if my musings are just so much bull shit, words that tumble out without me having to really ponder over them. Perhaps under the words, there is only void and chaos, my words a smoke screen covering my essential nothingness.

I know that even though I am a man of faith, there is something of the nihilist in me, where I wonder, if when you tear apart the floor of reality, there is perhaps nothing underneath. Now this is a fear I had has a child. Something without a bottom, like falling into a bottomless well into eternal darkness, without any ending, just falling, never hitting bottom; a real terror for me as a child and yes perhaps even now. For that child still lives in me, the one of faith and the other, fearful of the absurdity of life, if in fact there is only nothingness.

I sometimes think the so called cosmic battle is really fought in the human heart, one at a time, an intense struggle that we each participate in, even if the depth of struggle is often unknown, unfelt or even believed in. Well believe me, there is an inner struggle, and since I think I am pretty normal, I doubt that it is something unique. It is as if the battle is about where I will place my freedom. In an ever expanding universe of faith and hope, or the ever diminishing one of despair and absurdity; I seemed to have chosen faith. Both are at odds, yet both are choices, why we make the choices we do I have no idea, though I think grace is in there somewhere, are everywhere, just unseen.

The two camps can't communicate very well, in fact contempt can be shown from both sides, so the crevice between the two world views widens, and the fringe in both armies become more and more fanatical in their pronouncements. Contempt in time leads to violence; with each side having a plenitude of reasons for the evils that they commit against one another. History is full of such examples and I think it foolish to think it will not continue. Perhaps we are trapped in this never ending dance.

Is this about the struggle between good and evil? I don't know, since there seems to be both in the believers and unbelievers camp. Perhaps the struggle is deeper and like I said played out in the deepest inner sanctum of each heart. I would suppose discipline is needed to knowingly choose either side.

We so seek clear black and white answers, yet at this level of reality perhaps that is not possible, since we can all hide much of our true natures from one another and even I guess, from ourselves. Until one day, the inner demon erupts, or perhaps the inner light. The chaos of life and its extremes can bring us face to face with who we are, is perhaps the bloody inward struggle we all go through, in order to finally end up in one camp or another. Perhaps I should say, we choose one camp or the other.

Where is grace? It is there working everywhere, just hidden, the same way our inner lives are hidden from one another. Perhaps life is a lot more serious than most of us think, that what we think, do, our small choices, have greater importance than we would ever imagine.

So know I am not saying those people are evil, and these are good. The deepest heart is not for any of us to judge, like St. Paul said: "I can't even judge myself. Yet there is hope, not certainty, faith and hope go together, in the end it is charity that last.

Knots

Knots of anger
tight balls of energy
rest deep within my psyche,
dormant or so it seems,
then awakening;
vivid images of deep rage lash out,
mindlessly seeking revenge
on whomever is in my mind,
so strong
it rips my soul
seeking some way to express itself,
the binding frustration
holding down,
imprisoned,
chained.

So it goes, this ever recurring cycle of rage filled fantasies, seeking to find release,
yet it never seems to really come.  Rage is hard, merciless, cold, mindless, and reptilian even, seeking a target, any target to vent its infantile, primordial desires.  The mages are getting stronger, yet I do not fear them, it is just time to seek to communicate in a safe environment, for it needs to be exorcised, brought out into the light.

I think I know where this deep abiding anger flows from, I know its root, even perhaps the moment that it started, or perhaps moments.  For there are two that keep coming to mind that have not changed over the decades, so perhaps they are not false memories, but true.  Or at least an imperfect remembrance, yet enough to work with I think.  There is so much, so compressed as if stuffed into a little box with the lid tightly shut, yet now it is bouncing the lid up and down and bits and pieces of this very strong emotion rears its head.  It is the head of a very large snake, aggressive, hungry, wanting me to deal with it.

Years ago I had a dream in which I was in a house that was under attack by a giant snake, it was longer than the house for its body encircled it, and half as high.  I was inside the house cowering, and then I made the decision to go out and face it since I was going to die anyway.  So I went out to fight, but I approached the snake it became suddenly very small, I picked it up and all it said was:  "all I wanted to do was talk".  I then woke up. So perhaps the time for talking is hear at last.  I hope this is true.

While a very slow healing has taken place with this deep wound, I am hoping by going up to Colorado this will expedite the process for me.  I don't think this inner rage is a danger to anyone that I come into contact with, but I could be naïve in this regard.  Going over the top, exploding, acting out is not uncommon; the papers are filled with stories about men and women going postal.  Could this happen to me?  Well since I am human, I will have to say yes, though I think it unlikely.  Could be denial, so another reason to seek outside help and overcome my fear of being transparent in this level of my inner world.

People don't see this inner part of me, though I do talk about it.  Even when there are times that I can show anger and that anger is fed by the deep inner rage, it is not a direct acting out from the actual rage itself, for that could be destructive to all concern.  So this is one of the problems that I want to deal with.

 am ready, the grace is there, well it probably has always been there, perhaps I lacked the courage or perhaps the insight to understand the depth of this issue.  Of course I also know it is a common one, so I need not to make it unique, at least as for as being human is concerned, for we each deal with deep unconscious and conscious material on life's journey.
If not dealt with, I guess it will deal with me.  One way or another it will draw me to a point when it has to be dealt with.  I would rather meet this ‘big inner snake' half way, so we can simply talk.  I don't want to be swallowed, I want healing.

Broader perspectives


So, a teenager comes to us in great distress.  He or she is in love with a classmate, someone that they can only pine over, or pursue with little chance of being successful.  So we listen, and we perhaps smile, at least inwardly, for we do not want to come across as insensitive.  So our compassionate smile is kept secret, or if it is not it could be misrepresented to the young person, perhaps thinking that we don't understand.

The smile comes from the knowing that comes with age and hopefully wisdom.  This will be gotten through, the love while real, strong, urgent, will pass quite quickly, actually leaving the one who had it mystified over what the fuss was about.  Until it happens again and for some there will be many ‘agains'. Until it either stops or the knowledge that such experiences that spring up so fast have no deep root and will soon die.  Until the time when that love is found that does take deep root and endures.

So age gives perspective if one experience are listened to and learned from.  With perspective comes compassion, empathy and yes patience, over the ups and downs in the lives of those around us. For we have experienced them, and perhaps are in the midst of yes "again" going through another run of problems and troubles.  Being older we just have come hopefully to the understanding "that this to shall pass".

Life is made up of cycles.  Some are inherited from our families, others simply adopted, that can cause a great deal of frustration and pain in our lives.  Ways of dealing with life that only lead to another turn of the wheel, since what needs to be dealt with, is buried under strategies that only in the end make things worse, or simply remain unchanged.  Though I think ‘something unchanged', is in reality worse.

It is when cycles are broken that wisdom takes root.  For in order to break a recurring problems hold on us, or at least to lessen it's strangle hold, a conscious choice is needed; one wakes up.  Enlightened is a word that could be used, for once it comes to light that there is actually more to life, that the wheel can be stopped, or slowed down, lessening it's effects on how ones lives, then the world opens up a bit, hope takes root, and the journey begins. Though the journey can entail a lot of zig zagging.

I am not trying to make comparisons between people here, for I have come to understand that we are each on a path and God is our intimate fellow traveler, who seems to work faster for some, slower for others in bringing their life to fulfillment.  I don't have to understand how this happens, for some lives seem to be filled with chaos, pain and addictions, that cannot be over come and family cycles left unbroken.  So yes there is no simple answer to the suffering and tragedies that seem to overtake so many lives.

Perhaps for most, if not all, we never completely overcome our past.  For our path, our spirituality, our relationship with God, only deepens when we embrace who we are, what we have to deal with, our failures and successes, in the light of God's love that is slowly revealed to us and deepens has we age.  Some fly to God, others limp, some just spend a lot of time falling and getting up, yet each is on a journey; best not to compare. 

I think most people have gone through very dark times in their lives.  At times the walk with God can seem close, things in order, inner life peaceful, healing experienced as one makes their way towards a deeper relationship with God.  Then, chaos enters, the inner world seems to crumble, sin, compulsions, addictions can take over, a slide into pain and the temptation to despair, to give up and sink, can seem the only alternative.  Yet, in spite of it all, when the zig zagging stops and we again feel like we are on the path, we slowly learn that God has never left us, or rejected us, but truly accompanied us into our own personal hells and purgatories.  Slowly we begin to understand that God's grace is of an order so great and deep that the mysteries of it will probably never be understood.  Infinite love is often said to be like the ocean, yet that is not true, well it is in part, yet the ocean has a bottom, God's love does not.  So yes grace, God's pursuit of us all, is perhaps the greatest most wondrous mystery of all.

So when this mystery slowly presents itself to us, we begin to understand why we should not judge the inner state of others. For the simple living through of our past experiences, failures and  sufferings, have led us understand that God's freely given grace, even when not consciously asked for, is present in other lives, just as it has been, and is, in ours.  We learn to empathize with others no matter what their problem, for we know that we could just as easily do the same things, or perhaps did them in the past, and again, perhaps or still struggling with them.  

The grace and wisdom we all receive on life's journey is not for us, it is for others.  All of what we are, our gifts, healing and understandings, are God's grace shown in concrete form, for all of those who enter into our lives.  Grace freely given, overflowing, we are to become a river of God grace in the world.  It is calling we all have, no matter where one is on the road, for we are all fellow pilgrims.

It is easily forgotten that Christ after he was betrayed, tortured, mocked and crucified, after all that, forgave those who did that to him.  He said:  "Father forgive them for they know not what they do".  In Christ, in grace, that is what we are called to do.  Not only in action, but also in prayer, for Christ is truly found in the least.  What that ‘least' means is for each of us to discern.